Click here to download the catalog as a PDF file. To view this site you need Adobe Flash Player and your browser must allow javaScripts. Go here to get the latest Flash Player. Commander Gilmore A New Target For The Brady Bunch: “Assault Sandwiches” R emember when Florida passed their “shall-issue” concealed weapons permit legislation, and all the gun-grabbers wailed about Wild West shootouts on every corner and rivers of blood in the streets? Well, that didn’t happen. In fact, armed crime has plummeted since then. But recent gruesome events remind us that guns aren’t the only violent devices! What about those Assault Sandwiches? In Port St. Lucie, Fla., police reported the arrest of a 20-year-old man accused of throwing a sandwich — a big, juicy one — propelling it directly into his girlfriend’s face during an argument. News accounts did not reveal details of the sandwich’s capacity or if it could be rapidly reloaded, but they noted this was the third in an epidemic of sandwich assaults! A few short weeks before the Port St. Lucie incident, a Vero Beach man was arrested after smashing — yes, the report said “smashing” — a fully loaded cheeseburger into his girlfriend’s face. Only a couple of months before that, in the same area, another man went to jail on a battery charge after sideswiping his girlfriend’s face with — you guessed it — a sandwich, knocking her glasses off! We are sure the new administration will be quick to enact “common sense” assault-sandwich control measures to keep these culinary weapons out of the hands of children, idiots, terrorists and boyfriends! Illustration by Nick Petrosino We know what the atom-benders at the University of Tokyo do for grins and giggles: They built the world’s smallest ramen-noodle bowl. The bowl, measuring one twenty-five thousandths of an inch, can only be seen by a powerful microscope. Mechanical engineering professor Masayuki Nakao said he and his students did it for fun, and for the experience of “carving nanotubes,” a hollow-tube material that is one ten-thousandth the thickness of a human hair. Of course, the noodle bowl had to have noodles in it, so they filled it with carbon nanotube noodles measuring one-12,500th of an inch in length, and 1.25 millionth of an inch thick. Nakao said it was challenging and fun to create the noodles and make them curl up in the bowl properly, but “they are not edible.” The group made no recommendations 22 MAY 2009 Small Portions regarding an appropriate sauce, and there are no plans to make nano-chopsticks. Retired police Chief John Comparetto says he was robbed by the new title holder of “Dumbest Crook in Pennsylvania.” Comparetto reported he had just exited a stall in the men’s room of a convention center in Harrisburg when a scruffy suspect pointed a gun in his face and demanded money. Unarmed, Comparetto made the wise choice of the moment and handed over his wallet and cell phone. But, he said, he did so believing he would get them back shortly. Why? Well, he was there attending an event along with 300 narcotics officers from all over the state. Quickly gathering a large and enthusiastic posse, Comparetto and his pals intercepted the suspect, oh, maybe 90 seconds later. He was exuberantly disarmed, cuffed and express-laned into Dauphin County One Dumb Crook Prison. As the unnamed 19-year-old was led out of arraignment, a reporter asked for a statement. “I’m smooth,” he said. We’re assuming he was referring to a lack of folds and creases in his brain. If you want to be politically correct, the next time a Jihadi suicide bomber blows himself up at a bus station, don’t call it a “terrorist attack” or an act of “terrorism.” Janet Napolitano, our new secretary of Homeland Security, has banned those words from use. Instead, these incidents will be referred to as “man-caused incidents” or “man-caused disasters.” But just watch! By the time you read this, she will have recognized her own political incorrectness and changed the verbiage to “person-caused disasters,” or maybe “person-caused occasions of unpleasantness.” 9 Silly Semantics Read SI DIGITAL www.shootingindustry.com