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Shooting Industry March 2012 Digital Edition - Page 28

Back Blast Back Blast & other hot gases hen intrusion alarms went off at the Rice Northwest Museum of Rocks and Minerals near Hillsboro, Ore., local officers were on the scene in record time. The suspect, just a fleeting shadow, disappeared into an adjacent wooded area. By “disappeared,” officers soon learned, we really mean disappeared! He couldn’t have gotten out of that patch of woods, but cops scoured the property thoroughly and came up with exactly zip, nada, zero. Then, they brought in a dog. The unnamed canine commando immediately attacked a mossy mound of wild grasses — and the mound squealed in pain! Gregory Liascos, the 36-year-old suspect, was wearing a complete head-to-toe “ghillie suit,” the best one officers had ever seen — or not seen, depending on your interpretation of events. Liascos made bail, but failed to show up for his trial. A warrant has been issued, and officers are looking for him — or a big mossy mound. Note: Oregon has lots of big mossy mounds. Good luck, guys. Commander Gilmore Great Disguise — To A Point, Anyway W Illustration by Nick Petrosino For some time, nobody noticed that a piece of modern art in the Ostwall Museum in Dortmund, Germany, had been “irrevocably ruined.” No, it took an expert to see that what looks like a worthless pile of junk had been rendered into a worthless pile of junk. The “sculpture,” valued at $1.1 million U.S., is a vertical construction of wooden slats that sorta looks like a ladder taken apart and then reassembled by a psychotic carpenter whacked out on LSD. At its base is a rubber trough, which used to have a splotch of paint in the bottom, intended to look like driedout residue of runoff rainwater. This masterpiece, called When It Starts Dripping From the Ceiling, was hailed as one of now-expired artist Martin Kippenburger’s greatest works. Anyway, a recently hired cleaning lady saw the yucky stain in the bottom of that trough, and immediately and efficiently scoured it sparkling clean. After the screaming and crying of the artsy people subsided, a museum spokeswoman gloomily declared, “It is now impossible to return it to its original state.” Impossible? Excuse me? How ’bout pouring some dirty runoff rainwater into 28 MARCH 2012 It’s Ruined? How Can You Tell? that trough, then letting it dry? Thank you. My consulting invoice is in the mail. Please return your payment promptly. It’s all part of proper crime planning: If you’re gonna make your getaway through a parking garage, you want to make sure your truck isn’t taller than the ceiling. If you’re counting on leaving the scene of your burglary through a ventilation shaft, you might be well advised to check in advance and find out if the outer hatch is blocked by steel bars, and the inner hatch doesn’t automatically close and lock in place after you’ve entered. Those are two of my past favorites, and now, a 400-pound shoplifter in Michigan has given me another. Apparently, 30-year-old Jerrie Perkins loaded up $600 worth of consumer electronics into her motorized cart in Meijer store in Rochester Hills, squeezed the throttle and sped for the door! That’s as far as she got. The front entrance is big enough for “wide-body babes” operating heavy-hauler carts, but that side exit? Umm . not quite. Employees didn’t have to “hold her for the police.” She was stuck like a cork in a bottle. Anyone Have A Tape Measure Handy? When an Amherst, Ohio, cop went out to the station parking lot to get in his cruiser and head for a reported accident, he found his car was already taken. The doors had been locked from the inside, and a stranger in civilian clothes was at the wheel. The guy wouldn’t respond to the officer’s inquiries. He was busy. Peter Theado, 38, was talking to the dispatcher on the cruiser’s radio, asking for help. He couldn’t figure out how to start the engine. The keys were in it, but he couldn’t make it go “vroom-vroom.” The dispatcher apparently wasn’t much help, so then Peter tried to find “start this puppy” instructions on the computer. No luck there, either. Finally, Peter gave up and unlocked the doors. He explained that he had always wanted to be a police officer, and he was just trying to “go out on patrol to protect the people of Amherst.” Peter was taken to the Lorain County Correctional Facility, but he may not go to trial on four assorted charges. First, the head mechanics have to check him for loose wing nuts and determine if his IQ meets or exceeds his shoe size. Meantime, we think the officer is being counseled on “car-key security.” 9 He Was Only Trying To Help Subscribe to SI DIGITAL

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