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Shooting Industry June 2012 Digital Edition - Page 28

Back Blast Back Blast & other hot gases Life Sentence For Faulty Memory Commander Gilmore F ortunately for LaDondrell Montgomery, there’s no felony crime for being lame in the brain in Texas; however, he nearly did the time. LaDondrell, 36, had so many previous convictions that after being convicted of a particular armed robbery, he was sentenced to life in prison. That was last November. A week later in December, he was exonerated and released. How’d that happen? After the trial, some unnamed person in the system noticed LaDondrell was locked up in a county jail when that robbery was committed. The facts were verified, and the prosecutor immediately filed for Montgomery’s release. The evidence against him was very convincing at trial, and neither LaDondrell himself — who testified at his own trial — or his defense attorney ever brought up the fact that he was in the clink at time of said robbery. It turns out the prosecutor didn’t know it, the defense lawyer never checked the records, and LaDondrell? He said he’d been in and out of jail so many times in his life that he didn’t remember being locked up at that time. A piece of advice, LaDondrell: Keep a diary! Even if you have to use crayons and draw stick figures of yourself. On any day you’re in jail, draw the stick figure behind bars. On days you’re not, no bars, LaDondrell! Just thought I’d make that clear. I don’t think we’re dealing with a Rhodes Scholar here. Illustration by Nick Petrosino We’re thinkin’ counseling wouldn’t have helped save the relationship of 51-year-old Cynthia Bucher and her 46-year-old boyfriend, Danny Gossen. She just popped a guilty plea to voluntary manslaughter in a deal to avoid more inconvenient charges in Danny’s death, which the defense claimed was suicidal, if not technically an act of suicide. She drew 10 years in the GrayBar Hotel, and coulda got a lot more. Danny was described as depressed following the deaths of his wife and daughter in a vehicle crash. Cynthia said playful playmate Danny placed her hand on a gun, then he pointed it at his own forehead and begged her to pull the trigger. She did. Boom. The outcome was exactly what you’d expect. But maybe she thought it wouldn’t be so bad. She professed bewilderment, and insisted it was a suicide. Hmm. A Reno court, however, also noted evidence that Cynthia was unkindly disposed 28 JUNE 2012 LOL, Danny toward Danny — one could even say angry with him — over his habit of stubbing out lit cigarettes on Cynthia’s legs, a practice that left unsightly burn scars. The loving couple was reportedly fighting about this before Danny’s untimely demise. Upon reading this, my first thought was to ask: Who the heck are these people? Then I remembered my cousins — second cousins, twice-removed — many of whom died shortly after saying things like, “Hang on! You’re gonna love this!” and “Hold my beer, I gotta try this!” Gee, how much would you pay to enjoy a nice cup of green tea? A buck? OK, what if we told you it was made from tea plants fertilized with the poop of giant panda bears, and hand-picked by Chinese girls selected for their beauty, who wear gorgeous traditional costumes and sing 1,000-year-old songs while pluckin’ those oh-so-special tea leaves? At $3,500 for 50 grams, and three We’re In The Wrong Business grams of panda-poop tea leaves per cup, that’s $210 per cup wholesale FOB Shanghai. Then, add in trans-Pacific and U.S. domestic transport, repackaging from bulk, distribution, overhead and profit for trendy coffee-and-tea shops, and you’re probably lookin’ at a base price of $440 per cup. Of course, that doesn’t include a generous tip for Moonbeam, your spiky-haired, gaudily tattooed server at the Chateau du Chai. Yup, it’s true. Giant panda-poop tea is the brainchild of Chinese entrepreneur An Yanshi, who found out Chinese pandabreeding facilities were having problems getting rid of tons of giant panda excrement. He courteously offered to take it off their hands — probably for a competitive fee — and dumped it on his otherwise unremarkable tea farms. Yanshi opines — we think accurately — there are enough obscenely wealthy idiots in the world to keep him eating beer-fed wild yak steaks and drinkin’ kopi luwak coffee (at $350 per pound) for the rest of his life. 9 Subscribe to SI DIGITAL

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