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Shooting Industry July 2012 Digital Edition - Page 34

Back Blast Back Blast & other hot gases The Best Jailhouse Story Ever Commander Gilmore T he de rigeur lead questions to fresh inductees arriving in jail are “What didja get popped for?” and “How’d ya get popped?” An inmate’s status is then determined by the severity of the charge — and of course, these stories are often embellished. We’re wondering what crime-king Sergio Fernando Solorzano-Vasquez told his fellow jailbirds when he hit the hallowed jail halls in Hamilton, N.J. Armed robbery and carjacking might have earned him high points, but did he tell his buddies how the caper went down? We think not. According to police reports, 27-year-old Sergio stealthily slipped into an unlocked car outside a store and crouched hidden in the backseat, waiting for the driver to come back with car keys and maybe some extra loot. When the two innocents returned and were settled in the front seats, El Tigre Grande pulled his knife and made his move! Unfortunately for the Duke of Dirtbags, the driver immediately twisted around in her seat and commenced a vicious butt-whuppin’, as the passenger leaped out and began screaming for help. Sergio finally got out from under the thunder and fled for his life. He was shortly apprehended. The assailant — his intended victim — was a 94-year-old lady. The passenger was her younger sister, just 93 years of age. Police said the ladies were uninjured, but requested their names not be released; they cherish their prim, orderly and quiet lives. So clap your hands gently and murmur with me, “Bravo, ladies, bravo!” Illustration by Nick Petrosino We’re guessing the great advantage to robbing a bank with a toilet plunger rather than with a Browning BAR is that the police are less likely to stop a guy schleppin’ along on a city sidewalk with a plunger over his shoulder. Maybe that’s what was on Lawrence Deptola’s mind. Or maybe, he figured if the bank didn’t have any money, he would go ahead and unclog their toilets for ’em — who knows? Anyway, that was Lawrence’s weapon of choice when he marched into a bank in Utica, N.Y., and announced a holdup. The teller wasn’t initially impressed, it seems, until he waved his plunger and made threatening noises. We guess she was impressed enough then to hit the alarm. We can’t blame her: Who knows if that plunger had been thoroughly cleaned after its last use? Luckily, cops were already in the area, having been notified by two other nearby banks about a skulking potential toilet34 JULY 2012 Gimme The Money! unclogger behaving suspiciously. Deptola was chased down in a foot pursuit and collared. It is presumed his plunger was seized as evidence, though it probably could have come in handy in his cellblock. That’s the excuse Fenton Graham should have given, but apparently he was too tongue-tied to think of it when the cops popped him. In surveillance video of an armed robbery of the CVS store in Silver Spring, Md., where Graham was a supervisor, he is seen being appropriately cooperative with the masked thug who held him up. However, when the robber turned around and began to leave without the bag of cash, Graham is seen hastily grabbing the loot and hustling it out to the forgetful perp. That, thought the police, was being a little bit too cooperative. An investigation concluded with the arrest of Graham for “masterminding,” if you can call it that, two faked robberies in collaboration with two “robber” accomplices. A bunch of English country constables are reportedly thinking about giving an award to five crooks who proved to be perhaps Britain’s Biggest Bungling Bandits. It is alleged that in August and September of 2010, the clan of crooks attempted to break into a total of seven ATMs using an array of power tools, crowbars and sledgehammers, and twice using explosives, doing extensive property damage and causing two fires. These were all attempts, because their success rate was exactly zero. Yup, they didn’t get into a single ATM. One of the machines they failed to crack held the Euro-equivalent of about $223,000. The case finally came to court a few months ago. The suspects could even be convicted before they die of natural causes. 9 An Award Of Dubious Distinction Hey, He Was Just Being Helpful Subscribe to SI DIGITAL

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