Click here to download the catalog as a PDF file. To view this site you need Adobe Flash Player and your browser must allow javaScripts. Go here to get the latest Flash Player. your way in — they could stampede! Be sure you designate lots of GPS waypoints so you can backtrack out of the show at the end of the day. Otherwise you could be stranded in a forgotten corner, locked in for the night. If you are, make the best of it. Thousands of dollars worth of down-filled garments stuffed into a canoe makes a much more comfortable bed than the one in your room. Don’t bother looking up for the hanging row-number banners. They are carefully arranged so you can only see them from inside a five-degree arc at row intersections — and that’s by craning your neck at a painful upward angle. The instant you look up at a banner, you’ll collide head-on with someone coming from the opposite direction who’s also looking at that banner. Wearing a padded helmet will get you some strange looks, but save you big hospital bills. The best directions you can get are rather general. For example, if you hear a symphony of duck and goose calls, that way is “General Outdoors.” Take a compass bearing of 180 degrees from the honking waterfowl, and that will be “L.E.-Tactical.” If you feel a sudden whap! impact on the back of your head, reach around to wipe it and find your hand dripping with dayglo orange gunk, that means the “Paintball Section” is somewhere behind you. Take a half-turn left and shuffle on for 600 paces to find the “Firearms Section.” tons. Those reps aren’t cops, and some of them have never touched those devices before SHOT Show. If one of them approaches you intent on giving a demonstration, again, just run! The ones who are already wearing bandages over blackened eyes and grinning through broken teeth are the most dangerous. The only reason they’re still attempting demonstrations is because they’ve already suffered brain damage. Now, the most dangerous humanoids at the show are those wearing badges with “PRESS” on them. With telephoto lens the size of World War II bazookas, they stop suddenly, raise the firing tube — taking out a half-dozen dealers in the aisle — and zip off 5,000 frames with their high-octane, digital cameras in 3.7 seconds. Me, I prefer good ol’ Polaroid. A 12-pack of Polaroid snaps and you’re good to go. Be sure to have a hearty breakfast and pack a big sandwich and a bottle of water. That should keep you going while you’re standing in the lunch line. We’re not saying the lines are slow, but you can while away your time in line figuring out your 2008 taxes, reading War & Peace or growing a long, gray beard. Watch out for a guy with an ankle-length black trench coat. He prowls the lines listening for growling stomachs, then suddenly turns, yanks his coat open, and displays 44 inner pockets, each one bearing what he claims is a “cheeseburger” — only $15 each. However, his “Cheeseburger Antidote” is $50. We recommend you stay in line and wait. Personally, we believe a “cheeseburger” should contain at least a traceable amount of cheese and burger, and these two ingredients should be recognizable by color and texture. His are not. Gray meat might be edible; gray cheese, no way! Outside the convention center, you may be approached by outlaw corn-dog and coffee vendors. If a guy pulls a “corn-dog” out of a bag, examine it closely for charred little feet or a burnt twisted tail protruding from the “cornbread” layer. If you point out that this “corn-dog” is a “corn-rat,” don’t believe his story that corn-rats are a coveted “Coney Island treat.” They’re not; we checked. The outlaw coffee vendors typically Fine Dining Hazards to Navigation Be alert to navigational hazards! If you walk past a display of deer hunters’ treestands and one is wobbling, run! At least once every SHOT Show, a 420-pound dealer climbs to the top of a 22-foot tree stand rated for 220 pounds. You don’t wanta be under it when it comes down. Be especially cautious when wandering the L.E.Tactical area. If you’re heading down a row of pepperspray vendors, slam your boots into reverse. All pepper-spray canisters on display are supposed to be “inert,” either empty or loaded with non-irritating goop. But humans label and pack those “inert” samples — thousands of them — and humans make mistakes. We know from gagging experience. Even more dangerous are the sales reps for “less-lethal” devices like nunchaku — “nun-chucks” and spinning side-handle ba- carry two thermoses of “coffee” in custommade shoulder holsters, one alleged to be “decaf” and one “French roast.” Drop a nickel into a cupful of the weak-looking “decaf.” If you can tell heads or tails, wait 60 seconds and see if those images have been acid-etched off. If you stab a spoon into a muddy-looking cupful of the “French roast” and it sticks in the upright position, don’t drink it! Learn from our experiences and misadventures, folks; it has taken us years — and shortened our lives by many years — to gather this wealth of SHOT Show expertise. Now go and have a safe, healthy, happy SHOT Show. Wait, we forgot to cover the adventures of air travel to and from the show. Outta time. You’re on your own. See you at the 457th SHOT Show. Have fun! 9 85 Safe, Healthy, Happy SHOT SHOW EXTRA SUPER ISSUE 2009 • www.shootingindustry.com