Click here to download the catalog as a PDF file. To view this site you need Adobe Flash Player and your browser must allow javaScripts. Go here to get the latest Flash Player. Commander Gilmore It’s Just My Hood Ornament, Officers E lio Valera almost made it. He was just pulling up to a metal recycling center on Miami’s Northwest Seventh Avenue when he was pulled over by a Miami PD cruiser. We’re thinkin’ the officer’s curiosity was probably aroused by the 40-foot long aluminum highway light pole roped an’ strapped to the roof of Valera’s groaning minivan. Yup, it was your standard Florida Department of Transportation light pole complete with horizontal light arm, mounts and brackets — everything except the light itself. Valera even had red rags tied to each end of the pole to warn other motorists of his too-long cargo. Amazingly, Valera had driven several miles without hitting another vehicle or sweeping pedestrians off their feet at street corners. He told police the light pole had just been lying there on the ground for a while, so finders keepers, right? While officers were taking Valera’s statement and waiting for Florida DOT to arrive and reclaim their hood ornament, they noticed another guy approaching the recycling center with something like a really huge, heavy coin under his arm. It was a manhole cover. They had another set of handcuffs for J o s e p h Montiz, 39, who may have found that manhole cover “just layin’ around.” Like maybe over a manhole, ya think? Illustration by Nick Petrosino Sometimes justice is swift, very swift. A dispatch from Belgrade chronicles the attempted bombing of a rival gang member that went wrong — or right, depending on which side of the law you reside. It seems a 23-year-old member of a Sabac-based criminal gang, who was wanted on armed robbery and murder charges in Serbia, slipped from the shadows one night, toting an explosive device. Spotting his victim, who had just parked his Mercedes ML and walked away, the bomber approached the target’s Mercedes and placed the explosive device under the car, near the exhaust pipe. A couple of things come into play here. One, most bombs made by said criminals are not very sophisticated, but rather crude and, let’s say, sensitive to movement and heat. Ah, the picture becomes clear, doesn’t it? Moments after Mr. Bomber placed the bomb, it boomed. Since the explosion occurred near a police headquarters, officials 22 FEBRUARY 2009 Crime & Punishment were on the scene quickly. They report the area was littered with a wide array of debris from the Mercedes and the bomber. Mr. Bomber was rushed to an emergency center with severe head and arms trauma. He died the next morning. Case closed. Okay, you may want to grab a pencil and paper — it will help keep track of this series of blunders. It all started when an international student in Australia was caught on a Brisbane train without a $3.80 ticket. No big deal, right? Ah, that would be a big “no.” Since the 25-year-old student couldn’t produce a ticket, he was escorted by police off the train, and a standard check of records was conducted. That showed he was in Australia past the allowed date on his visa. Handcuffed and placed inside a police van, Mr. Brains became Mr. Violent, rocking the vehicle as it traveled to a lo- Scorecard Needed cal police station, causing it to swerve. During this outburst, Mr. Ph.D. kept yelling, “I am a police offer, I am not going with you!” Once inside a cell, he yelled that he was an American FBI agent and beat his head against the bars. That got him transferred to a padded cell. During the trip to his new digs, Mr. Genius bit a police officer’s wrist, drawing blood. See, I told you, you’d need a pencil and paper. It was during his brief stay in the padded cell that Mr. Scholar offered police $50,000 to “forget what happened.” Oh, that will work! In court, Mr. Bruised Head pleaded guilty to a long list of charges, including assaulting police, willful damage, traveling without paying a fare and bribery. The judge took this all in, likely keeping score with a pencil and paper, and sentenced Mr. Inmate to six months in jail, followed by a deportation from the country. I just ran out of paper. 9 Read SI DIGITAL www.shootingindustry.com