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Shooting Industry December 2011 Digital Edition - Page 34

Back Blast Back Blast & other hot gases olks who live in moose country know bull moose like to tip a few. That is, they purposely stomp willow shoots into a mash in standing water, let it ferment, then return to snort up their willow-hooch. And the bigger they are, the more they drink until they get knee-knockin’ drunk. It was discovered that during mating season, prime female moose uttered a particular series of groans to “warn away” smaller, less muscularly developed males. These sounds are very different from those they made to signal big, impressive males indicating, “Hey, big boy! Wanna dance?” To the geeks and nerds of the moose world, the message was more like, “What, would I go out with you? Don’t even think about it! You’re not even varsity! Get outta here!” Now, after four years of field studies in Alaska’s Denali National Park, it’s been discovered that the “cheerleader-type” female moose use certain vocalizations to actually manipulate the big varsity males into fighting each other. Then, they go off to mate with the winners — that is, if the winners are still in any shape to dance. “It’s indirect control,” explained ISU biologist Terry Bowyer. Hooda thunkitt? Females like to shut down geeks, and then maneuver the booze-swilling jocks into punchin’ it out with each other? Unbelievable! Next, some academic will theorize that humans might do the same thing! Commander Gilmore Hey, Moose Woo The Same Way We Do! F Illustration by Nick Petrosino So how do you know you’re in a thirdworld country? Answer: When an old lady with a shovel takes out half your nation’s communications with a single scoop. Alarms rang out in the control rooms in Tbilisi, the capitol of Georgia, but technicians could only watch in horror as the region’s international fiber-optic communications system “went dark.” Almost all of Armenia, plus large chunks of Georgia and neighboring Azerbaijan, were cut off from each other and the rest of the world for over 12 hours. The problem was eventually traced to an area near the little village of Ksani, roughly 37 miles from the capital, and teams were immediately dispatched to respond. They found 75-year-old Aishtan Shakarian diggin’ in the dirt with her worn-out old shovel. She was reportedly disappointed that all she had found to that point was some kinda fibery-fake-lookin’ cable, when she was hoping to unearth copper communication lines, which she could sell for salvage. Recycled, often stolen, metals are a major export for the na34 Digging Out Of Poverty tion of Georgia, and one of the few things they can sell to get foreign hard currency. Authorities determined that Shakarian was acting alone, and though she’s being charged with theft and destruction, officials don’t think she’ll get a long sentence. Her age is a mitigating factor, they said, and besides, incarcerating people is expensive. It could cost Georgia a ton of recycled copper wire. While shopping at Wal-Mart in Alvin, Texas, a petite 42-year-old lady named Monique went off like a firecracker when she saw three guys running out past the greeter with stolen beer under their arms. She chased them out into the parking lot, screaming and snatchin’ for ‘em, and when they managed to get into their getaway car, she leaped up on the hood and commenced jumping up and down on it, calling on any and all bystanders to pitch in, lend some muscle and summon the police! Three suspects were bagged, all named Sylvester: brothers Sylvester Andre Thompson, Sylvester Durlentren Thomp- son and Sylvester Primitivo Thompson. When she was interviewed, Monique explained she felt she had to take action because she was “sick of the lawlessness.” Her full name? Monique Lawless. Celebrated “performance artist” John Jairo Villamil of Colombia has been praised for his greatest work, which is said to represent “the excitement and danger of living in the city of Bogota,” but we think it finally got too realistic for him. Onstage, John would appear standing in a bucket of water, holding a chair in one hand and a leaf of some kind of shrubbery in the other, with a plastic trash bag tightened over his head. We don’t quite get what makes that “art,” but what do we know? I mean, besides the fact that we wouldn’t pay $50 bucks to watch him stand there for an hour with a sack over his gourd. John was doing a virtuoso performance of his act at the Universidad del Bosque in Bogota when he seemed to sorta fidget with the bag, and then he collapsed. Appreciative onlookers reported that he twitched Bravo! Encore, Encore! Uhh . John? The Name Game Read SI DIGITAL • NEW BUSINESS YEAR SUPER ISSUE 2012

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