To view this site you need Adobe Flash Player and your browser must allow javaScripts. Go here to get the latest Flash Player. Commander Gilmore Quick! Run Away! Wait, Not That Way, Ya Idjit! t is said that “some people have all the luck,” and this might be true of Blake Leak — in a way. The trouble for him is, it’s all bad luck. When Ossining, N.Y., cops responded to a citizen’s call about a possible burglary at the Southside Mini Mart on Spring Street, they arrived to find Blake thrashing around the interior, scoopin’ up loot. Alerted by the police cruisers’ lights, he immediately took off runnin’. Being a 23-year-old dude fueled with high-octane fear, he sorta left pursuing cops in the dust. Further, one officer broke a finger and the other injured his back when they tumbled down a steep slope. Meantime, David was still sprinting like a gazelle. Undoubtedly, he would have gotten away clean, except — you knew there was an “except” coming, right? — he ran straight onto the grounds of adjacent Sing Sing Prison, and almost fell right into the arms of a guard, who quickly introduced him to Mister Ground and Mister Cuffs. Now, you might be thinkin’ that one stupid error in one crime isn’t proof of being over-endowed with bad luck, but consider this: Blake is 23 years old, has been arrested 24 times, and his last address was “under a bridge on a piece of cardboard.” We submit this as not only evidence of poor karma, but proof there are no intelligence tests required for the position of “scumbag thief.” I Illustration by Nick Petrosino Police in New Zealand wanted to warn residents in the Christchurch area of South Island about a bicycle-ridin’ burglar who’s been breaking into homes and ripping off high-value electronic items, jewelry and cash. They know who he is. They even have a photograph of him. But they can’t use it for fear of violating his civil rights, so they put a photo of a movie actor on the wanted poster and told people “he looks like this guy.” Stupid, huh? Their problem is that the suspect is 16 years old and under the Children and Young Persons Act of 1989, they cannot show the public his photo. Authorities did, however, note their young “client” looked an awful lot like Scottish actor Robbie Coltrane in his role of a character called Hagrid in the Harry Potter series. A photo of the actor went on the poster with the explanation that “Robbie Coltrane is not the burglar, but imagine him aged 16 with lank, greasy hair and you have the picture.” BBC News mentioned that Mr. Coltrane was not available for comment. We can hardly wait for the New Zealand police to circulate a poster warning of 38 Movie Star Burglar a shoplifter featuring a photo of Paris Hilton, but explaining “imagine her fat and ugly with lots of pimples and you’ve got the picture.” We told you using a cell phone in a car is dangerous. Especially if you’re text messaging, okay? Here’s an illustration: The Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office in Florida reported that an unidentified man was kidnapped off the street by three armed thugs who stuffed him into the back seat of a car and took off. Apparently they had some kinda thug-business with a dude their victim knows, and thought he could lead them to their prey. Instead, they became the “prey.” Two thugs took the front seats, and the third was supposed to be menacing their hostage in back. But as they were rollin’ down the road, the thug bumpin’ elbows with the victim pulled out his cell phone, carelessly laid his handgun down in his lap, and began texting. He didn’t finish his message. The “victim” immediately grabbed the roscoe, shot Text-Man in the head, quickly capped the guy riding shotgun, then laid Texting Thugs the muzzle upside the driver’s gourd and instructed him to pull over at the McDonald’s coming up, so he could use the phone. The driver wisely did as he was told. Keeping the lone un-shot kidnapper covered, our ex-victim dialed 911, and a couple of minutes later, he handed the whole mess over to sheriff’s deputies. Text-Man was DOA. The guy riding shotgun made it to St. Joseph’s Hospital, and the driver was probably grateful for a change of pants after booking at county jail. See? Using cell phones in cars can be dangerous! It’s too bad we can’t show you a photo of 78-year-old retired teacher Philip Clarkson Webb decked out in his “going for a jolly little stroll” togs — this guy looks like Mister Rogers’ older brother. In addition to his obvious age, infirmity requires he use a cane to walk. Somehow, coupling that with his shock of white hair, spectacles and leather-trimmed, waxedcanvas “country coat,” he just doesn’t come across to us as a brawler, or one who • SHOT SHOW SUPER ISSUE 2009 Assault Canes Read SI DIGITAL www.shootingindustry.com